An Open Letter To Hayden Panettiere From The Internet
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by Ian Cheesman
Dear Hayden,
We are so proud of you. In the short time you've graced this planet you have filled it with a body of work that other actors couldn't approach in a career. We've eagerly followed your acting since you were just a child (some of us more than others) and sincerely hope that continued success follows you. Still, we can't help but think you're presently squandering the greatest opportunity of your life. Allow us to explain.
Heroes has gotten abysmal by most accounts and that's being kind. Most of the individuals we polled asserted the show is "making wrongful". English obviously isn't everyone's first language, but the tone is clear. It's not really your fault, but that won't matter if the show is canceled and you're cast to the street like a common Lohan. If you want to preserve rest of your career, we believe you are long overdue for your first sex tape.
If you don't film it, we'll photoshop it.
The power of the "unauthorized" sex tape is undeniable. Paris Hilton got rogered in grainy night-vision and has since erected an industry around herself. She couldn't even make slamming ham interesting and it was still an overnight sensation. Imagine what someone with your acting pedigree could accomplish, masturbatorially speaking. It goes without saying that you'd be infinitely more convincing than her, even during particularly savage fish-hooking scenes. But lets not get bogged down with our directorial notes just yet, we can revisit that later.
Like this, but with more latex and less bronze
We've deduced by your
pop singles (and
discarded
lyric
sheets
we
rummaged
from
your
trash)
that
you
are
on
the
fast-track
to
dropping
an
album
and
could
use
some
free
press.
Not
only
would
a
raunchy
sex
video
redouble
your
exposure,
using
"Wake-Up
Call"
for
the
sountrack
would
provide
essential
viral
marketing.
It
may
sound
contrived,
but
we
certainly
wouldn't
judge
since
the
song
is
clearly
about
offering
anonymous
sex
to
your
most
dedicated
MySpace
fans.
Right?
Who says you only have to "feature" Rihanna in your music?
Still
not
convinced?
Consider
that
if
you
don't
take
advantage
of
this
opportunity,
Miley
Cyrus
WILL.
She
hasn't
even
hit
18
and
her
own
father
is
already
okaying tasteful flirations with whoredom.
What
do
you
think
is
going
to
happen
when
she
crosses
the
statutory
threshold?
We're
talking
a
no-holds-barred
BDSM
threesome
(and
that
isn't
using
Hannah
Montana
to
count
Miley
twice)
filmed
in
IMAX
at a minimum.
"Dad! Turn off the cameraaaa! We don't WANT to make out!"
"I don't care how sexy it, we're not using hedge clippers in the next scene."
Even though we'll know better, remember that marketing will require you publicly denounce its distribution. Deniability will allow you to retain ingenue status, whereas culpability will earn you scorn and relegate your future to sweaty casting-couch auditions for films like Poison Ivy 5: Another Washed Up Skanktress. No matter how the media grills you about the boom mic bopping into frame or why the video features expansive credits at the end, you must insist that it was a stolen moment between lovers.
You know what you must do now, Hayden. We know you have it in you (or you will soon enough). Any young lady that would willingly invoke The Shocker at a fan's behest has untapped veins of pure depravity just waiting to be unleashed.
Just don't forget to wear the Cheerleader outfit. Hopefully that's a given.
Love,
The Internet
Ian Cheesman may be part of the aforementioned internet, but he swears he had absolutely nothing to do with this swill, Hayden. If you don't believe him, you may pay him a visit over at internetsensation.com. Just don't forget to wear the Cheerleader outfit.