Benny, Escaped Convict is our new series about the life and times of a socially maladjusted stoat (filthy, weasel-like creature) who recently took the liberty of releasing himself from prison. Still on the lam, Benny was kind enough to grant us this interview from an undisclosed location... 

Scott DeVaney: What's the difference between a stoat and a weasel?
Benny: Oh, fantastic! What an original question, champ. "Hey, Neil Armstrong, what's it like to walk on the moon?" Wow, I've been waiting for someone to come to me with such a novel fucking inquiry.

Look, apparently you didn't read my article in Esquire, so I'll just tell you the same thing I told them — the weasel is a shiftless, obese, socially awkward puff of fur that couldn't find its tail if you stapled it to its eyes, the other just had a three-way with with your wife and pregnant sister.

Also, when you shave a stoat, you get expensive, internationally-valued fur. When you shave a weasel, you get an eye infection.

SD: Did you use your time in prison constructively to do some soul-searching and personal growth?
Benny: Yeah, that's valuable time. You can't waste that shit. I infiltrated the Aryan Brotherhood in CB-4, led several successful coups and, right under the noses of the guards, I turned my cell into the second largest manufacturer of "Sluts of the PAC-10" videos in the northern hemisphere. Oh, and I got my Master's degree in Architecture from Antioch College.

SD: What's it like to kill a man?
Benny: Why? You some kind of narc? You're a goddamn narc. I should have known, with that cheap suit and boulevard of a forehead.

SD: Take it easy, Benny. I'm nobody's narc. Next question: Do you ever envision yourself settling down and raising a proper family?
Benny: I'll tell you, Scott... raising a family is just so tough in this day and age. I'm simply not sure if I want to bring a sweet, innocent child into this world. My generation has really screwed it up for them. Sometimes I think it's just not... [choking up] ... it's just not fair, ya know? But then I think about romping around the playground with some little squirt and it's hard not to smile...

And if you've believed any of this crap I'm flinging at you, perhaps journalism isn't your calling.

SD: Did you have any heroes growing up?
Benny: Who's that guy who had a dream? Martin Luther King, Jr, right? Yeah, that fucker was so smooth, whores would pay him.

SD: Describe a perfect day for you.
Benny: I wake up and have some java. My publicist calls and asks, "Would you like to do an interview with Atom.com?" I tell her, "No fuckin' way."

Check back on Wednesday, July 23 for a NEW episode of Benny, Escaped Convict.