I am no stranger to nerd-dom. When you work in I.T. you are exposed to it constantly. Just try and make it through a day with my coworkers without discussing how to level up your Blood Elf or uncovering what internet macro cats can has. Before you realize it, you're forming rigid opinions on which Star Trek captain is superior.* And once you're infected you can expect to carry the nerd stigma for life. Kind of like herpes.
Somehow I've managed to keep from taking the plunge, which is why I've avoided events like the San Diego Comic-Con. I feared it was a gateway drug to irrepressible dorkiness. Would mere attendance compell me to amass comics featuring busty protagonists under the guise of "an investment"? Would I get yiffed by a Furry and, worse, would I enjoy it? Atom.com saw fit to have me confront these fears for your savage amusement. You'd better enjoy this, assholes.
The experience was in full-force before the convention had even opened. My fellow trolley commuters were divided in a class war between the Haves and Have Nots of novelty t-shirts. I clearly missed the memo that clothing with references to 8-bit gaming and Will Ferrell movies was haute coture. Giggles consumed the din as anticipated squee-worthy moments drew closer. Two nerds adjacent to me funneled their nervous energy into a heated thumb wrestling battle. It may seem unfair to classify these complete strangers as "nerds" outright, but bear in mind their thumb scuffle included declarations of "HADOUKEN!", suggesting it had taken a Street Fighter 2 turn into ki-based melee warfare.
This makes more sense when you realize it's Zangief's thumb talking trash
The day's agenda was bursting with potential retardery, but I opted to start with the actual comic books in the exhibition hall. While I was never a collector, I have to admit I immediately felt drawn to them. They evoked a return to a simpler time when I was a 10 year-old dorkling fascinated with the epic adventures of icons like Superman...
...the subtly blinged Black Bastard.....
...the dueling dialectics of the Action Philosophers...
....The Hee-haw tomfoolery of those uncanny Dicks....
...the quantitative ass-kicking of Doctor Debunko...
...and the tanin-rich powers of The Teabagger.
This is not to suggest that there wasn't ample worship of comic book royalty. Monuments to the classics dominated the landscape of the hall. Some homages were more dedicated than others:
Though LEGO Batman's dedication to justice was admirable,
his attention to skin care was deplorable
My dawdling pace through the hall was at opposition with most of the crowd. Most scurried about frantically, pawing for booth swag like a meerkat burrowing for food. It's as if instinct compelled them to stockpile lanyards, light sabre penlights and bottle openers for the long winter ahead. Competition for these items often built to a fever-pitch:
No, this isn't praise for the second coming of Yahweh - these folks are boxing out opponents to get a Ghostbusters t-shirt. The booth proprietors seemed unfazed by the chaos, happy to draw consumers closer to wares no smart shopper could resist:
Chewbacca, now sorely lacking in star appeal, was sold off for parts
The mania of the whole event still paled in comparison to the spectacle of the actual attendees. Cosplay fanciers came out of the woodwork (specifically the woodwork of their parent's basement where they presently live) to represent. They spanned traditional anime mock-ups:
This is what happens to children when their parents don't
care enough to instill a healthy sense of shame
...to outright genre collision:
Worst Crossover Comic. Ever.
Attempting to capture the spectrum of costuming at this event would be a fool's errand, but it most all of it could be similarly summarized as "uncomfortably snug". It's as if there was a pact between the aliens, robots and warrirors from alternate dimensions to adopt very sedentary lifestyles prior to Comic-con. A Jedi may need only embrace The Force to realize their full potential, but even Yoda knew when to hit the Stairmaster.
The frenzy of the exhibition floor slowly chipped at my sanity, so I opted to escape into a couple of panels. For the uninitiated, panels are comprised of everything from press junkets for new television shows to forums on niche interests of the comic world. They can be 20 people arguing the relative merits of integrating nipples on Batman's costume to thousands of fanboys waiting hours in line for their chance to spit-shine Joss Whedon's balls. I first selected "50 Years of Gay Legion of Super-Heroes Fandom" because, frankly, it sounded promising from a comedy mining perspective. Suprisingly it was too endearing for mockery. It was evident that these openly gay panelists had a deep love for both comics and the various characters whose actions gave them some clarity on growing up as a homosexual. That said, it really was 60 minutes of wild, gaydar-fueled speculation on superheroes' sexual orientation and discussing whose costume was the most FABULOUS.
Don't let the pink fool you. He's all about the ladies.
Unless he happens to run into Leather Lad at a truck stop.
I followed that panel with "Action Figure Insider: Behind the Plastic". This was the perfect forum for adults who take their children's toys VERY seriously. I was doubly at a loss on this panel, because I didn't have an Antiques Road Show scope of toy knowledge or a recognition of many of the heroes being featured. Towards the end they unveiled a series of top secret prototypes for heroes like "Grendel", "Nexus" and "Captain Whothefuck", each elliciting a series of desperate, covetous cries to the heavens for immediate release dates.
After the panel I wandered back to the exhibition floors to view current developments in action figures. Either kids have gotten more savvy or "action" has taken on a less bombastic tone:
| | | This is a corner cropped out of an advertisement for the latest incarnation of Cobra Commander to the G.I. Joe universe of action figures. The small text in the blue ribbon at the bottom reads "In Black Suit". Why is that pertinent? Because the only other action figure on this poster was also Cobra Commander in a blue suit. Seriously. Hasbro has not made any comment as to whether they'll be releasing Business Casual Cobra Commander in 2008. |
I don't know if action figure technology has advanced significantly since I was a kid, but I can say that their tits got a LOT nicer:
Superhero Trivia: Susan Storm and Wonder Woman both had the same weakness - motorboating
It was only around 8 p.m. when I realized I was spent like recently cast Pokeball, but the energy of the event hadn't faltered a bit. Panels continued until after midnight and the theatres were running films until the wee hours. I started to curse my lack of vitality until I realized it was sparing me from enduring anime classics like "Otoboku, Maidens Are Falling For Me", "Ninja Nonsense" and "Tweeny Witches".
I walked away largely unscathed, no bigger a comic fan than when I arrived. All I carried with me was my identification badge and a few mental images of Witchblade to deposit in the Spankbank. I still had no answers about the depths of my nerdiness, but I did take some solace in knowing my pudgy frame was still fit enough to become a Jedi.
Addendum: Upon returning home my wife assured me I am, in fact, a tremendous nerd. Nice timing.
* Picard. Nay-sayers can set their phasers to "STFU" and turn it on themselves. You probably thought Timothy Dalton was the quintessential Bond too. Get off my internets, n00b.
