by Ian Cheesman

Despite all of the cornball sentiment associated with Valentine's Day, I'm actually a fan.  We don't have enough holidays that celebrate self-vivisection as a dating tactic.  It's kind of a shame that St. Valentine gets all the shine in this holiday, because the postal worker that unflinchingly delivered his still-beating heart likewise deserves some attention.  Ye Olde Fed Ex was clearly not in the business of asking too many questions.

Feel free to doubt St. Valentine's sanity, but there is no question of his commitment.  That kind of romantic resolve hasn't weathered well in the modern era.  Let's take a look at the "love" stories of the last week that regrettably inspired cupid to buy himself a quiver of boomerang arrows:

Love hurts.  Mostly in the spinal region, apparently.
 

They Took His Breath Away
At one time or another every man has fantasized about a threesome, but even with craigslist and a crack-dispensing penis it isn't within reach for most schlubs.  Undeterred by the odds, this enterprising 51-year-old man took his fate into his own hands and inflated the other 2/3rds of the participants:
 

The custom airbag system Xzibit installed didn't disappoint
 

Giggle if you must, but what happens between an adult and his two consenting ************ is nobody's business but their own.  Unless of course he gets to second base in full view of everyone else in the Publix parking lot.   In the man's defense, the store was offering coupons for $0.35 off astroglide.  It was practically begging for it.

 

Love Is A Battlefield
As shown above, public displays of affection can be treacherous.  Puritanical sorts in the U.S. consider it anywhere from inappropriate to damnable, depending on the volume of tongue and genders involved.  However, like America's academic performance in math and science, our sexual repression is lagging way behind other countries.

This disgusts me, but know I could hate it more if I really tried
 

Faced with radical activist judges in India ruling married couples kissing in public somehow isn't obscene, Hindu extremists are rallying to overturn this destructive progressiveness by vowing to "attack Valentine's couples".   The militant group has already pulled women out of bars to beat them for their immodesty, secure that the gods would give them the strength to pummel people half their size.

Unlike lesser mack gods, Shiva can bitchslap with FOUR pimp hands
 

Baby Kaboomers
The term "baby boomer" used to refer to the post World War II generation that crapped out kids like they were farming them for veal.  Unfortunately their sexual proclivities during the 1960s have redefined "boomer" to illustrate the exploding rates of sex-related cancers among them.   Sadly "Free Love" was something of a misnomer since Human Papilloma Virus bills via oncology co-pays at a later date.

I wish I could follow up with more jokes, but this is just too damned depressing.  Let's cut to some adorable, fluffy puppies and move on.

I defy you to think about penile cancer now!

 

Love Bites, Love Bleeds
While tales of some love affairs may echo through the ages, far more love stories peter out well before the egg-timer needs to be reset.  Most understand love's capricious nature and just roll with the punches as best they can.  This crazy ***** didn't.

When Wayne Robinson met Dominique Fisher for a one-night stand he had made his peace with the forthcoming hangover and walk of shame, but probably didn't think to get a booster shot for tetanus.  Somewhere in the night Dominique mistook her slumbering lover for a peechee folder and began to doodle on him with a boxcutter.  He ended up with "Dominique" cut into one shoulder, a series of erratic slashes across his back, and one carving that has local police questioning members of local fraternities:

You can't really blame the poor, impressionable girl.  This sort of thing gets hyped by popular media all the time: