The economic turmoil over the last couple of weeks might as well have taken place in a M. Night Shyamalan movie - we've endured interminable uncertainty and speculation, always confident that the ending will inevitably suck. Financial advisors are scrambling just to provide advice they won't regret minutes later. Some implore you to protect your investments in the commodities market, others suggest the more direct approach of stuffing your cash into a duffel and ascending whatever bell tower will provide an optimal sniping position. Yet, despite the volatility, some forceful financial advice is coming out of Cupertino, CA where a most unique economic stimulus plan has been unveiled:
Steve's got a point. If anything can trump the fervor over our economic dissolve, it would be the distraction of shiny, new Mac hardware. The tech news has been frothing over the sturdier unibody construction of this Macbook, something that didn't interest me until I learned the technical description for the assembly is called "monocoque". Sometimes the Dick Joke Gods are far too kind. But what else is under the hood that will make this yet another phenomenon for Apple? Let's take a look.
NEW FEATURE LEGEND
A - Screen now 40% more glossy, enabling the owner to drink in the reflection of their smug satisfaction while using a Macbook
B - The Macbook now runs dual video cards - one for the primary display, one to handle subliminal propaganda:
C - The undercarriage is adorned with a raised metallic Apple logo. It's an odd ornamentation, both because of the orientation (being off-center and reversed) and it being obscured by the lap when in use. It's purpose was only clear after test-driving the Macbook for a couple of hours when I noticed a peculiar smell:
D - These ports serve a myriad of functions, but they are primarily for venting internally-generated fanboy pheromones.
E - "i" key is specially designed to reject all attempts at capitalization, rejecting all use except as a prefix to other words.
In addition to those hardware upgrades, the OS is set to deliver a couple of incremental improvements. The Macbook can be booted into "Coffeehouse Poet" mode, which will adorn all desktop icons with berets to compliment the owner's counter-culture, free-thinking sensibilities. Additionally, the iLife movie creation software now issues an pop-up warning on launch:
Overall, I was a little underwhelmed by the adjustments to this model. For all of the innovations Apple has put forth in mobile computing, they are still neglecting wireless power. This is reprehensible considering that I developed a working prototype with aluminum foil ages ago (patent pending):
Still, even if it's not my favorite offering of theirs, I will probably have to buy one if only to demonstrate my allegiance to their newest marketing campaign:
Ian Cheesman generated this content, as well as much of internetsensation.com, on a Macbook Pro. He doesn't relish being a hypocrite, it's just that he adores attention, negative or othwerwise. It's a sickness.