by Ian Cheesman

Being a high profile member of the elite internet press has its advantages. While most will have to wait January 2009 to hear Obama's inaugural speech, I have received an advance copy from an anonymous source calling themselves "Arl-Kay Ove-Ray". It's becoming clear to me that maybe we should have listened a bit closer to McCain while we had the chance...

My Friends and Comrades, let me begin by thanking the people who brought us here today. First and foremost, the many campaign volunteers who so diligently carried our message of change and provided offerings to our regional campaign altars.

"He will bring you tax cuts. And allow you to finally hit that elusive curveball"

Speaking of volunteers, our work would never have been possible without the contributions of ACORN. Their tireless canvassing encouraged all citizens, legal or not, to vote early and often. The energy and positivity they exhibited motivated voters that other parties would ordinarily dismiss.

Most importantly, I want to thank the millions of voters who came out and supported our platform of unilateral, unquestioned change. And let me tell you - change is COMING.

When I was out on the campaign trail I felt such a sense of community while socializing with Americans. You could tell that everyone desired to commune with one another. There was so much excitement for communing around common hopes and sharing ourselves socially. It became clear to me that Americans wanted nothing more than to share social ideals communally, if you catch my drift. If not, the newest addition to our staff, "Joe The Proletariat", will be available to the press to explain some of my new policies shortly.

Tax cuts would soon be the least of Joe's worries

Sometimes to affect sweeping change we must begin with basic, even cosmetic, changes.  That's why I am proud to announce my redesign of the American flag. My inspiration was that we were no longer an assembly of 13 colonies or 50 states, but a unified people. As such, I changed the stripes to be red and red and consolidated all of those stars down to one. I even added a smile off to the side just like I've seen while Instant Messaging with Bill Ayers:

Many of you may note its uncanny resemblance to the Nation Of Islam's flag, but it's vastly different.  It is a little known fact that the cells that compose the eye have a heavy conservative bias and they are resisting change with all their might.  Don't trouble yourself with the aesthetic - this is change and change is good, right? Speaking of "change", the latest run of coinage from the U.S. mint all had the same bizarre typo of "In Allah We Trust" on it. We're looking into it. 

I don't wish to ruin ALL of the surprises my presidency has planned, so let me conclude by saying that I thank all of my supporters across Mother America. Your compliance has been noted and appreciated.

Ian Cheesman would like to take this moment to urge all of you to go out and exercise your right to vote yesterday.  Allowing trivialities like time travel to come between you and your civic responsibilities is nothing but COMMIE talk.